Within minutes after each little boy was born I knew the only way my heart was gonna survive was if I released them back. So even in the hospital I drew a deep breath in, exhale out to release them. These boys beat a large part of my heart. They fill so much of my life. They however don’t encompass the all of me. And I don’t encompass them. They are mine to show how to love, respect and live and breath authenticity. With each passing day my grip gets less and my heart loves them more. And in the back of my mind I know they are “mine” for just a season. Last night I spent the evening with this beautiful couple who is expecting their first little girl. As we we’re walking and talking the anticipation was inspiring. And I walked away still excited about all that lies ahead in my little men’s lives.
My boys understand why I travel, when I travel and where I go to. And as my day is filled with the opportunity to read and build relationship my nights are filled with shoots and other “work events” travel has been in my heart since I can remember and having a family didn’t take it away. It added to it. My boys are at home, enjoying their every day routine with a really great father. These boys are learning what it looks like to care for yourself, to be responsible for household chores and know that we all work together as family.
This past January I sat down and scheduled out all my travel. Not knowing exactly how it was going to play out logistically, but planning as if all the details were all set in motion. This past week I went to Santa Monica, I spent two days soaking up conversations with my dear friend who shared her expertise on Self love. The conversations were so deep my head couldn’t fully wrap around them and so rich in emotion that my heart beat a little lighter. We yoga-ed, we laughed, we shared stories and current hurtles and it was through her response where shame and fear dripped away and it lost it’s powerful grip. The sun shined, the rain fell and it was such a beautiful mid week break. It is through times like this I don’t let guilt sneak in. They are with their overly qualified father who is an equal caregiver as I am. It’s times like this when I know it’s best for us all because I come home over the moon excited to see them with a deeper understanding of who they are and what they need. A break is a beautiful thing and the last thing we should feel as moms is guilt for wanting or needing one. We all mother differently, and through time I have understood my role in their life and have openly received it. It truly is a gift to have them here in this season.